


the lengths you're willing to go to

by ravinilla



Series: Leeway to Live [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Existential Angst, Introspection, M/M, Mortality, Post-Chapter 698 (Naruto), Sad Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 18:35:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13595952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravinilla/pseuds/ravinilla
Summary: It's within natural disposition as a jinchuuriki to question one's mortality.





	the lengths you're willing to go to

**Author's Note:**

> It's half Naruto contemplating his mortality and half sad fluff between Sasuke and Naruto. (With a pinch of Kurama wanted to murder both of them, and Naruto relating to Gaara in ways no one else can understand.)
> 
> I had to repost because I missed something vital.

It's within natural disposition as a jinchuuriki to question one's mortality. This, Naruto knows, and every time he's been injured, he's thought: _How far is too far?_

There aren't exactly scores of people he can discuss this with. Even if she were alive, he's not sure his mom could give him an answer. He considers all the other jinchuuriki family, but they're always too far apart for any kind of good discussion to be held about it. The only person he can consider reliable for the topic is Gaara, and even he can't come around much (being Kazekage and all).

During one of his visits, Gaara had been very candid about it all. They're two very different people on the outside and while they'd grown up similarly, Naruto can't say he can put himself in Gaara's shoes well.

_"When I was very young, I learned there was no way out."_

He'd meant, they were trapped in this existence until death naturally took them or someone took the bijuu out of them. Before coming to terms with what they were, it was an exhausting, pointless existence. Gaara had explained how he thought there was no reason that someone like him should be alive. To be a cage for a weapon to a village that didn't care for him? What a nightmare.

Naruto still can't say he disagreed.

After his initial showdown with Naruto and returning to the Sand, Gaara had considered what it meant to be Kazekage. For someone like him, he'd explained, it seemed impossible; the people were terrified of him, he could just barely control Shukaku inside of him, and the legacy of his father... was a burden on him.

Gaara is extensively self-taught in self-love, and after all those years of it, he hadn't known how to love anyone else, or how to protect anyone else.

_"The answer was simple after that. I didn't have to protect because of love. I could protect for protection's sake."_

The rest had followed.

While Gaara had lived for himself, and then learned to live for other people, Naruto had always lived for the sake of others. He'd considered how this lead up to his current life and found that there were few things—though they were heavy enough—he regretted. Living for others had never betrayed him. He'd never even considered trying to live selfishly like Gaara had, no matter the pain others put him through.

Naruto can't remember when it was that he realized just how powerful he is. That if he wants to, he can level the entirety of the Leaf and not break a sweat. He passes people in the streets and in their faces, finds awe, reverence—and fear. He's not the only one aware of his capabilities.

But for all that he's a weapon of mass destruction, he's also just a man—boy. It still baffles him sometimes how people can't understand that; that he sheds tears and bleeds just like they do, that he hurts and fears like they do. He isn't... not human. Maybe he's not _entirely_ human, but he definitely isn't not one. There's a middle ground for him to share with them.

The question of it all is, even though he's maybe-not-entirely-human-but-still-not-not-a-human, how much can he really be hurt? By someone else. There's been mortal injuries before—mostly by exactly one person's hand—but Naruto's walked away with nothing to show for it mere days later, with his emotional scars tucked away deeply under his skin.

He's got absolutely nothing to show for all the battles and torment he's been through: Every inch of his skin is pristine, scar free, without mar.

Is he upset about it? He's not sure. He's not _mad_ at least, and he's grateful to Kurama for his life many times over, even if the fox only saved it out of self-preservation nine times out of ten. The problem is, it's brought about all this _confusion._

Can jinchuuriki die? Yes. The answer is yes, because Gaara had died once, because other jinchuuriki had died. Naruto, though...

Naruto has never died, not even once. Not even _near_ it. Every time he's been close, Kurama had cloaked him in blood red and took care of the rest, and after that, even when his virulent chakra had scalded Naruto's skin, there was nothing to indicate the meltdown had ever happened at all. His life is Kurama's, and Kurama isn't ready to die—Naruto's not sure he ever will be.

It's not like there are many examples to go off of: Mito Uzumaki had died of old age, and Kushina Uzumaki... Well.

So now there's Naruto Uzumaki, a boy who can be hurt, but seems invincible. Kurama likes him, so if he wanted, could he stop Naruto from dying entirely? The thought is alarming, earth-shaking. He isn't about to ask him about such a heinous thing.

Naruto... does not want to live forever. He's already lived enough for a hundred people, and to want more would be like asking for a life sentence in the most torturous part of hell. He wants...

What does he want?

He does not want to die right now because there are still too many things to do, too many jobs to finish. There's the chair of Hokage, there's the corruption of the system that produces child soldiers and carelessly leaves too many bodies behind, there's... Sasuke. And Gaara. Sakura, and Granny Tsunade. Kakashi-sensei. All of his friends.

No, it's not time to die, and it won't be for a while yet.

Naruto wants to live long enough to figure out what he truly wants out of life, and then live long enough to see those goals through. He wants to find peace as a human, as a jinchuuriki, and as a leader. He wants to live long enough to make his forebears proud, to make those who will follow proud, and to make his most important people proud. He'll have help, of course. He's never alone now, and even if, someday, everyone turns their backs on him, he knows at least _one_ person will still stay by his side.

Now it's a matter of what'll happen after that. What will happen to this unscathed body when he's too tired to carry on? Will Kurama let him go? There's no such thing as _true_ immortality, but if anyone could achieve it, it'd definitely be the giant, orange demon fox sealed to Naruto's insides. Gaara may think the same thing about Shukaku.

…He'd have to ask someday.

•

Naruto supposes it's not entirely true that he's walked away from every fight scotfree. In fact, he was very certain that all of his worrying is for no good reason—after all, Kurama could never give him his arm back. It's not like he wanted it, but doesn't that prove that when he's too tired to go on, he'll be alright? He'll be able to go free?

It's a breath of fresh air, that promise of freedom.

He closes his eyes and thinks of the one person who could give it to him. The person who saved him.

•

"Say, Sasuke," Naruto murmurs when they're laying on the floor in the dark. The window is open because it's hot and the curtains undulate with the night breeze.

"What is it?" Sasuke's voice comes from close next to him, and it fills the space around them and ricochets in Naruto's head. He feels dizzy.

"If I asked you to kill me, would you?"

Kurama's interest perks inside his head and he can feel it pushing against every one of his muscles. Sasuke tenses next to him, only for a moment.

"Yes." he answers moments later. The crickets are getting louder outside.

"Then I suppose you'd kill yourself, huh?" Naruto asks. Where it's supposed to be amusing, it's only pathetic and rueful instead.

"Why do you think you're so important?"

He knows Sasuke thinks the same of the question and its obvious answer: pathetic and heartbreaking.

"I wanna hear your answer." he insists. He's laying to Sasuke's left and neither of them have arms right now, so he can't hold Sasuke's hand like he wants to. "Tell me."

"...Yes." he finally responds. Naruto's heart breaks, of course.

"You shouldn't, bastard."

Sasuke snorts. "You can't ask me to live in this world without you, moron."

Kurama hates the both of them and Naruto can feel it running through every vein in his body.

"Guess not." he breathes, and wishes sweat didn't stick his shirt to his skin so uncomfortably.

"Would yo—"

"No."

"...Thought not."

"You could never ask that of me, bastard."

"Everyone thinks you're such a selfless savior, but you're actually a selfish little shit, aren't you?"

"Oh, fuck off."

Ah, he wants to hold Sasuke's hand so bad.

"You need to move to my other side, dammit."

Sasuke snorts again. "I don't want to hold your hand. It's too hot."

"Now who's the selfish one?"

"At least I'd kill you."

"You say it like it's a _bad_ thing that I wouldn't do the same."

This kind of topic agitates Sasuke and Naruto knows it. Just as much as he can't fathom living without Sasuke, Sasuke could never live without him either. It's a... mutual fucking mess, that's what it is.

Kurama insists he'll kill both of them and be done with it. (It's a farce; Kurama would never put his life in danger—Naruto is his only lifeline at the moment.)

"The fox might not let me die, y'know."

"I'm sure I could find a way around that." Sasuke says smartly. "He has to give in eventually."

Naruto thinks on that for a moment. He does, doesn't he?

"Who would wanna live forever anyway..." he mumbles, wiping stinging sweat from his face.

There is silence for too long.

Then, Sasuke says, very quietly, "You're not ready now, are you?"

The question isn't surprising because this kind of talk isn't the norm for Naruto. He's actually very uncomfortable about it, but Sasuke is _Sasuke,_ and if Naruto can't talk to him about it, then who?

"Nah. Not yet. Don't worry."

The floorboards shift with how Sasuke relaxes all at once, and guilt swaths through Naruto.

He rolls over and flops onto his face, groaning at the pain and how his nose bends awkwardly. His hand blindly pats around for Sasuke's torso, and when he finds it, he drags their bodies closer together.

"I swear dead last, I'll kill you right now because it's _too_ hot for this shit."

 _"Sasuke,"_ Naruto whines, tucking his face into Sasuke's shoulder, "I wanna _live._ Live with me."

Sasuke's chakra crackles irritably in the air, and Naruto figures maybe he _does_ have a death wish. Sasuke's body fits nicely under his arm though, so it's worth it.

"I do live with you, moron."

"No." Naruto murmurs, and his lips move against Sasuke's skin. _"Live_ with me."

There's no immediate reply. Then, Sasuke's hand slides over Naruto's, up his arm, and grips at his elbow, letting their bodies slot even more snugly against each other.

"So long as you'll live, I will too."

And Naruto breathes out something like respite.

 _I'm so fucking sick of you two._ Kurama thinks.

**Author's Note:**

> When I got back into Naruto, I didn't think I'd sink so fucking far so fucking fast. Now that the series is over, I have a lot of content to work with (and work around, thanks for fucking up, Kishimoto), and it's actually very fun imagining the different ways things could've gone, or what things could've happened after the Final Battle™. I expect I'll be writing much more very soon.
> 
> Crossposted to [Tumblr](https://uchiuzus.tumblr.com/post/170584420023).


End file.
